I've been trying to find a psychologist. I like positive psychology, and want someone who works in that realm. Also, I believe in the spiritual realm, and want someone who believes in that, also.
I found a therapist who is a licensed psychologist, but she also believes in past lives and energy healing, and does this as part of her practice. Let's call her Dr. W. I met with her on Thursday. We were scheduled to do a past life regression.
Before we started, she asked me a little bit about my life, my family, and what I want to get out of doing this past life regression. I told her that I feel strongly that I am to start my own business in this lifetime, that I am to learn both financial and emotional independence, and that I feel there must be subconscious blocks from me actualizing these goals. I have a lot of limiting beliefs around me being in charge, me handling my own money, etc.
She says OK, then that's what we'll ask your subconcious to tell us today. She said for us to do a past life regression, we just put you in a hypnotic state - not a stage hypnotic state, where you don't know what you're doing or why you're doing it - but one where you are in control of what you uncover and what you don't. Basically, she's just guiding me into my own bank of knowledge.
As she guided me into my hypnotic state, I felt very safe with her. I had done a past life regression before, with a male doctor in Chicago, and I didn't feel good after wards. It felt more voyeuristic, more like a fun story to tell over drinks than something that would help me move into my best life now.
In that regression, it came up that I had been a brothel owner in Arizona during the late 1800s, during the copper mining boom. I was good for business - the mine owner loved me for keeping his boys happy, and the sheriff liked me, too, because the boys would go party and release at my establishment, and then go work the next day. It kept the peace. That is, until a wife decided to take action against my business. Next thing I knew, an STD spread through the town, and I - rather, my girls, were blamed for it. But since I was the owner, I paid the price. A horrible death - gun shot, stabbing, I must have been assaulted by a bunch of men because I had many different things happening to me. I knew it was the sheriff's wife who orchestrated this, and I knew the sheriff and the mine owner knew what was happening to me, but did nothing to help me. I died alone. I remember feeling angry that everyone had loved me and then turned on me.
So, that is a pretty big discovery, and if it is true, it would explain the hesitation I feel about starting my own company. However, the doctor that I did that regression with did nothing with the discovery. He said, wow, that was a pretty powerful discovery. Here's your recording of it. Let's do this again. I felt kind of hung out to dry - I didn't know what to do with this information. So I saw the whole past life regression thing as just a party trick. I didn't go back to him again. But I felt there were answers in there, and I just didn't know how to find them on my own. I needed to find someone who could help me pull up the past lives, and shape their relevance to blocks in this life. Enter Dr. W.
I feel a disclaimer is due here.
Here is my disclaimer: I believe in this stuff. And because I do, I believe that what I unearth will help me move forward with this life. If there are people out there who don't believe in past lives, who think maybe we just make stuff up, I can see their point. Quite honestly, part of me does feel like it's just a very creative imagination coming up with really great plot lines for a movie or something. However, if it is made up ... who cares? If my imagination creates a story to demonstrate to me a possible reason for not moving forward on a goal, and if that story helps me see something I can learn from it so I can move forward, so be it. Either way, the goal is forward motion.
I also believe that we are still evolving as humans, so I believe the trend in positive psychology and past life regressions is occuring now because we are at a point in our evolution to understand them. Just like we thought racism was OK one hundred years ago but now do not, so too do we change as people - certain behaviors or mind sets were OK simply because we didn't know any better. Now we do, and we can go back and fix them.
Allright, back to Dr. W. and my soon-to-happen next past life regression. She puts me under, and has me tell her what I see. I ended up having three lives present themselves to me, the first of which I was living maybe not prehistoric times, but definitely B.C. The village I lived in was destroyed by a sudden volcanic eruption, and I died in the lava flow. We spent the most time on that one, and then it seemed another life presented itself, this one was in eyptian times, and then another one was in victorian times. We didn't have time to go into these in much depth, we spent most of the time on the first life and summing that life's meaning up and why that's relevant to this life.
I felt we did some good work and want to do it again. I felt a lot of compassion for myself - again, if that life was true, in conjunction with the brothel owner, I have, quite honestly, been a shit. In that B.C. life, I was about 19 or 20, had a kid very young, and resented it. I felt nothing was in my charge, and that everything revolved around the village. So far, it seems I've been a brat, a fun brat, but a brat, in most of my lives. Honestly - at some point I hope we reveal I was a holy person or something, because I feel like so far, my evolution has been nothing but pettiness and whining. Hm... not unlike this life.
Anyway, I haven't scheduled another one yet, due to my money being a mess and these being $200 a pop. But, she offers another service in which we look at the life I just left, what I did in that life and how I died. I have a feeling that that last life was in Chicago, and that I was a girl, and involved with probably not Dillinger, but a gang of thieves like that. I've had dreams that involve gangsters and me being a not-so-smooth criminal. So, I'm interested to see how and where I last lived.
The last note on this: She advises to not schedule anything after the regression, to rest and to drink plenty of water. I thought that seemed rather excessive; however, I did schedule it for my day off. I came home, I took a nap. But I had planned on seeing Avatar that night with Mike. We went to the movie, and I spent half the movie sick in the bathroom. Actually, at first I went to the restroom, and then found the janitor's closet with a mop drain in the back of the theater, and so I would run back there, puke, and then sit back down on an end seat and resume watching the movie. Maybe it was too much visually - a 3-D movie on an IMAX screen - for me too take in one day. Maybe it was because the movie had a primitive theme to it's story line, and it was triggering stuff from my past life regression. Either way, I was surprised at the physcial reaction and how at first I felt refreshed, and then I felt totally zapped. I called in sick yesterday. Now I know I need to take both days off, but man, really surprising.
That's it for today. Talk with you soon.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
Goal Setting Might Be A Good Thing?
So here we are, New Year's Day - the day of resolutions that never go anywhere.
This morning I get up, I'm milling around getting ready, and I'm thinking about my own New Years resolutions. How I'd like to lose 10 pounds a month, how I think I want my health goals to be to 1. Add in Exercise to my daily routine; 2. Drink my daily Water Requirements; and 3. Allow my Body to sort out from there how much or how little food/calories it needs to operate the most efficiently.
I got thinking about how when I had started this blog, my goal was to do three back-to-back fasts: a 14 day, which is now completed; a 21-28 day, which would be next, and a 40 day, which I would like to do over the Easter season. Am I ditching that goal? Did I just drop one and run to another? What's the point of all this?
This got me thinking about before I started the blog, when I had intentionally gained 35 pounds to break my thinking on what defines a likable person, and the effect that that person's weight has on that person's likability. All I did was set the goal to gain the weight. I kicked around some ideas on how to lose it after the goal was attained. But the one part of the goal was clear: to gain it.
Now, as I ponder the new year, it seems clear to me that combining the desire to fast with the weight loss goals is my next steps. Generally, my next steps would be to sabotage myself. Oh, yes. Once I set a goal with myself, or tell someone else a goal I've set for myself, I seem to go out my way to make myself fail. It's as if I think someone else might try to sabotage me - so if I do it, I keep them from doing it to me. Ha HA! Brilliant!
I'm thinking about all of these things as I am up this morning. I'm also humming a tune from last night. And all of a sudden, the whole goal of setting goals became crystal clear to me.
I saw the Poseidon Adventure at a movie theater here in Chicago last night as a fun and non-alcoholic (I think I'm a borderline alcoholic) based way to ring in the New Year. Mick went with me.
We're watching the movie, and as we're watching, there are some very powerful and symbolic elements that are resonating with me; I won't bore you with all of them, but they summed up as being: you can't get everyone to see it your way, even if you turn out to be right; there comes a point in time where you have to let them go and let them lead their own lives, come what may; and you have to have faith that the steps you are being led to are leading you to safety.
I liked the movie a lot, and I think if they say you spend your New Year the way you spend your New Year's Eve, then I will be learning how to implement these elements into my own life in the year ahead.
In the past, I have always run screaming from goal setting. What if I don't accomplish it, what if I do, what if the goal changes and I know that, but other people think, "Well, she just can't make up her mind!" This morning, it all came together for me: action creates action. Change creates change. Goals create other goals.
This used to be completely overwhelming to me. If I set one goal and attain it, and then all there is is another goal sitting there waiting for me, then ... FUCK! When's it ever gonna end?
I suppose the answer is ... it won't. One thing will lead to another and another and another. And maybe that's the most fun way to live, to just allow things to unfold. I look back on the things that have been presented to me to accomplish; there've been some pretty fun things that have come my way. Things that I have enjoyed doing, but then ran away from. So what if this year is about learning to allow myself to roll with the opportunities that present themselves, and trust that it will lead somewhere?
The biggest thing that I took away from watching the movie last night was the arc of Gene Hackman's character. He plays a modern-day preacher, one who teaches people to Take Action! Make Things Happen! Find the God Within Yourself and YOU Make Your OWN Life Better! His character has a crisis of faith at the end, and it seemed to me then, as it's been becoming clear over the last couple years for me, that faith is kind of a both-and proposition. It's strange water to navigate - they say to surrender to God's will, and at the same time, take action. I've never understood this. How do I surrender and take action at the same time? Doesn't God help those who help themselves? How can surrendering, which to me is doing nothing, lead anywhere? Last night, the way the movie played out, it became clear to me that taking the each step as it comes is the faith in God. Trusting that it is leading somewhere is the faith. Trusting that God has a good outcome in mind for me is the surrender. I lack in this trusting/faithing/surrending department greatly. I don't know that God has a good outcome planned for me. What if I have faith and it turns out that God is this sadistic fuck who led me on some wild goose chase and is up theresxdc laughing while doing shots of Wild Turkey with Elvis? Trusting that God might have a good outcome in mind for me is probably the biggest leap of faith I've ever known.
So, with my new view on goals in mind, here are the goals I a setting for 2010:
- Lose the weight. All of it. This year. Done.
- Fast 40 days over Easter. This has intriqued me for years and I really want to see if I can do it.
- Get a financial plan in order to both pay down debt and create savings for a house and travel.
- Get a new job? This is one I feel strongly that I don't control. How about I begin searching for jobs and see what comes up.
- Create a stronger social network. I feel so lonely, that I don't have people who want to go out and do the same things I do. I just gotta believe there are others who feel that same way and want to do the same stuff.
- Control my own preachy and self-righteous ways. Learn how to have compassion be my knee-jerk reaction, instead of, "That's totally crazy. Here; this is what you SHOULD think." It aggravates me, too.
- Allow.
That's it for my New Year's Day entry. Hope you have a safe, fun, and HAPPY 2010! Until next time!
-
This morning I get up, I'm milling around getting ready, and I'm thinking about my own New Years resolutions. How I'd like to lose 10 pounds a month, how I think I want my health goals to be to 1. Add in Exercise to my daily routine; 2. Drink my daily Water Requirements; and 3. Allow my Body to sort out from there how much or how little food/calories it needs to operate the most efficiently.
I got thinking about how when I had started this blog, my goal was to do three back-to-back fasts: a 14 day, which is now completed; a 21-28 day, which would be next, and a 40 day, which I would like to do over the Easter season. Am I ditching that goal? Did I just drop one and run to another? What's the point of all this?
This got me thinking about before I started the blog, when I had intentionally gained 35 pounds to break my thinking on what defines a likable person, and the effect that that person's weight has on that person's likability. All I did was set the goal to gain the weight. I kicked around some ideas on how to lose it after the goal was attained. But the one part of the goal was clear: to gain it.
Now, as I ponder the new year, it seems clear to me that combining the desire to fast with the weight loss goals is my next steps. Generally, my next steps would be to sabotage myself. Oh, yes. Once I set a goal with myself, or tell someone else a goal I've set for myself, I seem to go out my way to make myself fail. It's as if I think someone else might try to sabotage me - so if I do it, I keep them from doing it to me. Ha HA! Brilliant!
I'm thinking about all of these things as I am up this morning. I'm also humming a tune from last night. And all of a sudden, the whole goal of setting goals became crystal clear to me.
I saw the Poseidon Adventure at a movie theater here in Chicago last night as a fun and non-alcoholic (I think I'm a borderline alcoholic) based way to ring in the New Year. Mick went with me.
We're watching the movie, and as we're watching, there are some very powerful and symbolic elements that are resonating with me; I won't bore you with all of them, but they summed up as being: you can't get everyone to see it your way, even if you turn out to be right; there comes a point in time where you have to let them go and let them lead their own lives, come what may; and you have to have faith that the steps you are being led to are leading you to safety.
I liked the movie a lot, and I think if they say you spend your New Year the way you spend your New Year's Eve, then I will be learning how to implement these elements into my own life in the year ahead.
In the past, I have always run screaming from goal setting. What if I don't accomplish it, what if I do, what if the goal changes and I know that, but other people think, "Well, she just can't make up her mind!" This morning, it all came together for me: action creates action. Change creates change. Goals create other goals.
This used to be completely overwhelming to me. If I set one goal and attain it, and then all there is is another goal sitting there waiting for me, then ... FUCK! When's it ever gonna end?
I suppose the answer is ... it won't. One thing will lead to another and another and another. And maybe that's the most fun way to live, to just allow things to unfold. I look back on the things that have been presented to me to accomplish; there've been some pretty fun things that have come my way. Things that I have enjoyed doing, but then ran away from. So what if this year is about learning to allow myself to roll with the opportunities that present themselves, and trust that it will lead somewhere?
The biggest thing that I took away from watching the movie last night was the arc of Gene Hackman's character. He plays a modern-day preacher, one who teaches people to Take Action! Make Things Happen! Find the God Within Yourself and YOU Make Your OWN Life Better! His character has a crisis of faith at the end, and it seemed to me then, as it's been becoming clear over the last couple years for me, that faith is kind of a both-and proposition. It's strange water to navigate - they say to surrender to God's will, and at the same time, take action. I've never understood this. How do I surrender and take action at the same time? Doesn't God help those who help themselves? How can surrendering, which to me is doing nothing, lead anywhere? Last night, the way the movie played out, it became clear to me that taking the each step as it comes is the faith in God. Trusting that it is leading somewhere is the faith. Trusting that God has a good outcome in mind for me is the surrender. I lack in this trusting/faithing/surrending department greatly. I don't know that God has a good outcome planned for me. What if I have faith and it turns out that God is this sadistic fuck who led me on some wild goose chase and is up theresxdc laughing while doing shots of Wild Turkey with Elvis? Trusting that God might have a good outcome in mind for me is probably the biggest leap of faith I've ever known.
So, with my new view on goals in mind, here are the goals I a setting for 2010:
- Lose the weight. All of it. This year. Done.
- Fast 40 days over Easter. This has intriqued me for years and I really want to see if I can do it.
- Get a financial plan in order to both pay down debt and create savings for a house and travel.
- Get a new job? This is one I feel strongly that I don't control. How about I begin searching for jobs and see what comes up.
- Create a stronger social network. I feel so lonely, that I don't have people who want to go out and do the same things I do. I just gotta believe there are others who feel that same way and want to do the same stuff.
- Control my own preachy and self-righteous ways. Learn how to have compassion be my knee-jerk reaction, instead of, "That's totally crazy. Here; this is what you SHOULD think." It aggravates me, too.
- Allow.
That's it for my New Year's Day entry. Hope you have a safe, fun, and HAPPY 2010! Until next time!
-
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Chapter 19 - Ouija Just Hear Me Out?
Chapter 19 - Ouija Just Hear Me Out?
I am back home after spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in Wisconsin with my family. I came out of it again wondering how I can share my true self with my family. Or, if I just go off and join a commune and don't try.
There are five kids in our family. There are the three oldest: Kevin, Denise and Margie; they are a year apart from each other. Five years after Margie comes me, another five years later, Brian is born. Growing up, when Mom would refer to us to friends and family, we were, "Kevin, The Girls, Ann, and Brian."
My Mom died in February 2005 in a car accident due to slippery road conditions. She was 64, my dad was 65, and us kids were 40, 38, 37, 32 and 27 respectively. While we were hit hard by the sudden loss of our Mom, I was relieved that no one else was hurt, and no one else caused her death. To me, it was the cleanest way for her to go, that her work here was done, and for whatever reason, all of us were to now move forward in our lives without her.
Before her death, I know that I was blaming Mom for a lot of things that I felt should have been done differently while raising us. Dad was so fun - and Mom was always the killjoy. It has been amazing for me to see how blinding family dynamics can be. Now that Mom is gone, I see how much of an anchor she was for my dad, as well as for us kids. But who over gives much thought to the anchor? You think about The Ship, Where It Can Take You, and Full Steam Ahead. But you never really think much about how the importance of the anchor. Not until, I suppose, you have been out a sea for a while.
***
I have always been interested in the metaphysical and occult, in the effects that religion has on people, in ghosts and Stephen King books and The Day of the Dead - I find all of it interesting; however, per the name of this blog, I like to test things and see if there is validity or just hype.
In high school, I happened to have been cast in a play as a medium. A oiuja board was one of my props. My friend Traci and I decided to use it one night in an effort to summon her boyfriend, who had recently died (also in a car accident).
She and I prepare for the ouija summoning of the spirit world. We place the board in the center of her Mom's white-carpeted living room floor. We get out the little pointer so we can receive her boyfriend's message. We place each of our hands on the little pointer, begin swirling the pointer across the board in a figure eight pattern, close our eyes, and ready ourselves for his communication.
I don't remember what question we asked it. What I do remember is that the pointer moved almost instantly across the board to one of the answer positions.
I pull my hands away and look at Traci. "Come on!" I say. "Could you be anymore obvious? You are totally pulling it!"
Traci looks back at me, visibly shaken. "I'm not pulling it," she says, her eyes wide with fear. "I was going to accuse you of the same thing."
Traci and I both look down at the board. Both of our hands were now off the pointer, and in fists close to our bodies. The pointer was now still - but we were not. I was given the job of removing the board from her home, going out into the dark of the night to put it in my car. I remember feeling bad as I walked out to the car - had I corrupted their house with ghosts? What had we opened up? What had we done?
I never attempted summoning another spirit with the ouija board. However, now I felt I was stuck with it - I had seen the movie Witchboard, I knew you couldn't just throw a ouija board away. I did end up taking my chances a few years later though. My college roommates and I were all sitting in the living room of our newly aquired off-campus house, when we heard something clatter and fall upstairs. It was the middle of the afternoon on a bright sunny fall day. We went up stairs to check it out, only to find the ouija board, which had been displayed upright like a plate in a china cabinet on the top of a bookshelf I had, now laying in the middle of the floor. We looked to see if a window was open, to blame it's fall on a sudden, sharp breeze. All the windows were closed. There was even an iron sitting in front of the ouija board, that had been placed there to cool. So the ouija board would have had to leap up and over the iron to land where it landed on the floor. Maybe somebody had a friend come over and play this trick in order to get me to get rid of it. If they did - it worked. I immediately took it outside, asked it please not to bother me, and put it in the trash. I don't think I have heard from it since.
***
But to get back to the story of my family. I shared with my sister and Dad - and planned to tell the whole family but then didn't - an experience I had that was along the same lines of the ouija board story. I recently went to a known and respected clairvoyant to see how Mom was. However, unlike the ouija story, this experience made me feel very safe and cared for by the spirit realm. My sister was into it and enjoyed it - until I told her that I told my Dad about it too. I think I am trying to justify telling my Dad something that the clairvoyant said, which is what made Denise mad.
The clairvoyant told me that Mom loves me, that she's fine, and to stop being sad about her death. She also said that she loves my Dad, but she admits she's not entirely happy with his behavior. Not because the behavior is neccesarily bad, she said it's his business, but because, "It's hurting you kids." My dad is dating another woman, which would be OK if he had been crying and sobbing and not able to move past my mom's death. However, he seemed to move past my mom's death pretty quickly. That's what I've been having a hard time with. While all of us kids seem to be reeling from my Mom's death, my farmer Dad is now jet-setting all over the place with his new lady friend. Mom and Dad were married for 40 years. Now he and his new girlfriend, who was just widowed the year prior to Mom's death, are together all the time doing all these social things he and Mom never did. Mom's fault or Dad's fault - I'll never know, but I suppose it's a bit of both.
As usual with my Dad, he does what he wants with no explanation or concern for us. We are to just accept it. I can accept it - there is a part of me that feels it's good for both of them, that they could go through the grief together. I just don't feel I've seen much grieving.
But it's not my place to judge, right? And that's basically what the clairvoyant and Mom said during the session. That I need to just work on my own healing, and to not worry about Dad.
So I shared this with Dad - he knows that I have not been dealing well with his dating of this woman. Primarily because I ask questions the other kids won't ask. But this was covered in the session with Mom and the clairvoyant, too - do your own healing, stop trying to save everyone else. Just work on your own stuff.
I thought I was letting Dad know that I was moving on. No, I'll admit it - it was kind of a warning. As in, watch yourself, buddy. Also, I felt validated - I am not the only kid upset by Dad's actions. And, talk about great credibility - Mom's not too happy with them, either!
However, clairvoyants aren't really considered credible sources in our world, are they? So, I am relegated to relating kooky information and being kooky enough to believe it.
I am back home after spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in Wisconsin with my family. I came out of it again wondering how I can share my true self with my family. Or, if I just go off and join a commune and don't try.
There are five kids in our family. There are the three oldest: Kevin, Denise and Margie; they are a year apart from each other. Five years after Margie comes me, another five years later, Brian is born. Growing up, when Mom would refer to us to friends and family, we were, "Kevin, The Girls, Ann, and Brian."
My Mom died in February 2005 in a car accident due to slippery road conditions. She was 64, my dad was 65, and us kids were 40, 38, 37, 32 and 27 respectively. While we were hit hard by the sudden loss of our Mom, I was relieved that no one else was hurt, and no one else caused her death. To me, it was the cleanest way for her to go, that her work here was done, and for whatever reason, all of us were to now move forward in our lives without her.
Before her death, I know that I was blaming Mom for a lot of things that I felt should have been done differently while raising us. Dad was so fun - and Mom was always the killjoy. It has been amazing for me to see how blinding family dynamics can be. Now that Mom is gone, I see how much of an anchor she was for my dad, as well as for us kids. But who over gives much thought to the anchor? You think about The Ship, Where It Can Take You, and Full Steam Ahead. But you never really think much about how the importance of the anchor. Not until, I suppose, you have been out a sea for a while.
***
I have always been interested in the metaphysical and occult, in the effects that religion has on people, in ghosts and Stephen King books and The Day of the Dead - I find all of it interesting; however, per the name of this blog, I like to test things and see if there is validity or just hype.
In high school, I happened to have been cast in a play as a medium. A oiuja board was one of my props. My friend Traci and I decided to use it one night in an effort to summon her boyfriend, who had recently died (also in a car accident).
She and I prepare for the ouija summoning of the spirit world. We place the board in the center of her Mom's white-carpeted living room floor. We get out the little pointer so we can receive her boyfriend's message. We place each of our hands on the little pointer, begin swirling the pointer across the board in a figure eight pattern, close our eyes, and ready ourselves for his communication.
I don't remember what question we asked it. What I do remember is that the pointer moved almost instantly across the board to one of the answer positions.
I pull my hands away and look at Traci. "Come on!" I say. "Could you be anymore obvious? You are totally pulling it!"
Traci looks back at me, visibly shaken. "I'm not pulling it," she says, her eyes wide with fear. "I was going to accuse you of the same thing."
Traci and I both look down at the board. Both of our hands were now off the pointer, and in fists close to our bodies. The pointer was now still - but we were not. I was given the job of removing the board from her home, going out into the dark of the night to put it in my car. I remember feeling bad as I walked out to the car - had I corrupted their house with ghosts? What had we opened up? What had we done?
I never attempted summoning another spirit with the ouija board. However, now I felt I was stuck with it - I had seen the movie Witchboard, I knew you couldn't just throw a ouija board away. I did end up taking my chances a few years later though. My college roommates and I were all sitting in the living room of our newly aquired off-campus house, when we heard something clatter and fall upstairs. It was the middle of the afternoon on a bright sunny fall day. We went up stairs to check it out, only to find the ouija board, which had been displayed upright like a plate in a china cabinet on the top of a bookshelf I had, now laying in the middle of the floor. We looked to see if a window was open, to blame it's fall on a sudden, sharp breeze. All the windows were closed. There was even an iron sitting in front of the ouija board, that had been placed there to cool. So the ouija board would have had to leap up and over the iron to land where it landed on the floor. Maybe somebody had a friend come over and play this trick in order to get me to get rid of it. If they did - it worked. I immediately took it outside, asked it please not to bother me, and put it in the trash. I don't think I have heard from it since.
***
But to get back to the story of my family. I shared with my sister and Dad - and planned to tell the whole family but then didn't - an experience I had that was along the same lines of the ouija board story. I recently went to a known and respected clairvoyant to see how Mom was. However, unlike the ouija story, this experience made me feel very safe and cared for by the spirit realm. My sister was into it and enjoyed it - until I told her that I told my Dad about it too. I think I am trying to justify telling my Dad something that the clairvoyant said, which is what made Denise mad.
The clairvoyant told me that Mom loves me, that she's fine, and to stop being sad about her death. She also said that she loves my Dad, but she admits she's not entirely happy with his behavior. Not because the behavior is neccesarily bad, she said it's his business, but because, "It's hurting you kids." My dad is dating another woman, which would be OK if he had been crying and sobbing and not able to move past my mom's death. However, he seemed to move past my mom's death pretty quickly. That's what I've been having a hard time with. While all of us kids seem to be reeling from my Mom's death, my farmer Dad is now jet-setting all over the place with his new lady friend. Mom and Dad were married for 40 years. Now he and his new girlfriend, who was just widowed the year prior to Mom's death, are together all the time doing all these social things he and Mom never did. Mom's fault or Dad's fault - I'll never know, but I suppose it's a bit of both.
As usual with my Dad, he does what he wants with no explanation or concern for us. We are to just accept it. I can accept it - there is a part of me that feels it's good for both of them, that they could go through the grief together. I just don't feel I've seen much grieving.
But it's not my place to judge, right? And that's basically what the clairvoyant and Mom said during the session. That I need to just work on my own healing, and to not worry about Dad.
So I shared this with Dad - he knows that I have not been dealing well with his dating of this woman. Primarily because I ask questions the other kids won't ask. But this was covered in the session with Mom and the clairvoyant, too - do your own healing, stop trying to save everyone else. Just work on your own stuff.
I thought I was letting Dad know that I was moving on. No, I'll admit it - it was kind of a warning. As in, watch yourself, buddy. Also, I felt validated - I am not the only kid upset by Dad's actions. And, talk about great credibility - Mom's not too happy with them, either!
However, clairvoyants aren't really considered credible sources in our world, are they? So, I am relegated to relating kooky information and being kooky enough to believe it.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Introduction
Hi! So, I've decided I need to blog on the journey of mental and spiritual growth.
Here's where we'll start: I'm 37 year old white girl. I have never been married, although I always feel very compelled to follow that up with the qualifier that I have had two marriage proposals. I used to be proud of that, that I had men desire me enough to propose. Now I just see it as my own inability to break off relationships when I know I do not feel satisfied in them. So, saying "No," is one of the psychological things I need to work on.
We're going to see how this blog goes. I might regret making this public. But for now, I feel like I have things that happy on a daily basis that to me are mini "wins" in my psychological growth. I think that a healthier mental outlook contributes to a better platform for our higher selves to work out of. My goal is to give myself a good bedrock of emotional capabilities to operate from. I'll get into this more as we go. I just know that I have things that happen each day that to me are AMAZING; but when I try sharing them with another person, they don't seem to understand why. For example, saying no to a co-worker's request to eat her treat that she brought in to work was a huge win for me! I didn't want to eat it, and I as gracefully and politely as possible told her no thank you. And she didn't push it. HUGE!
So, my point is, this is going to be a pretty boring blog. Luckily, no one has to read it. It can exist in cyber space, and if anyone does benefit, I will be so glad. But for now, it just allows me to express my joy and pain in a non-invasive format. I hope you enjoy reading it. I will talk with you soon.
Here's where we'll start: I'm 37 year old white girl. I have never been married, although I always feel very compelled to follow that up with the qualifier that I have had two marriage proposals. I used to be proud of that, that I had men desire me enough to propose. Now I just see it as my own inability to break off relationships when I know I do not feel satisfied in them. So, saying "No," is one of the psychological things I need to work on.
We're going to see how this blog goes. I might regret making this public. But for now, I feel like I have things that happy on a daily basis that to me are mini "wins" in my psychological growth. I think that a healthier mental outlook contributes to a better platform for our higher selves to work out of. My goal is to give myself a good bedrock of emotional capabilities to operate from. I'll get into this more as we go. I just know that I have things that happen each day that to me are AMAZING; but when I try sharing them with another person, they don't seem to understand why. For example, saying no to a co-worker's request to eat her treat that she brought in to work was a huge win for me! I didn't want to eat it, and I as gracefully and politely as possible told her no thank you. And she didn't push it. HUGE!
So, my point is, this is going to be a pretty boring blog. Luckily, no one has to read it. It can exist in cyber space, and if anyone does benefit, I will be so glad. But for now, it just allows me to express my joy and pain in a non-invasive format. I hope you enjoy reading it. I will talk with you soon.
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