I've been trying to find a psychologist. I like positive psychology, and want someone who works in that realm. Also, I believe in the spiritual realm, and want someone who believes in that, also.
I found a therapist who is a licensed psychologist, but she also believes in past lives and energy healing, and does this as part of her practice. Let's call her Dr. W. I met with her on Thursday. We were scheduled to do a past life regression.
Before we started, she asked me a little bit about my life, my family, and what I want to get out of doing this past life regression. I told her that I feel strongly that I am to start my own business in this lifetime, that I am to learn both financial and emotional independence, and that I feel there must be subconscious blocks from me actualizing these goals. I have a lot of limiting beliefs around me being in charge, me handling my own money, etc.
She says OK, then that's what we'll ask your subconcious to tell us today. She said for us to do a past life regression, we just put you in a hypnotic state - not a stage hypnotic state, where you don't know what you're doing or why you're doing it - but one where you are in control of what you uncover and what you don't. Basically, she's just guiding me into my own bank of knowledge.
As she guided me into my hypnotic state, I felt very safe with her. I had done a past life regression before, with a male doctor in Chicago, and I didn't feel good after wards. It felt more voyeuristic, more like a fun story to tell over drinks than something that would help me move into my best life now.
In that regression, it came up that I had been a brothel owner in Arizona during the late 1800s, during the copper mining boom. I was good for business - the mine owner loved me for keeping his boys happy, and the sheriff liked me, too, because the boys would go party and release at my establishment, and then go work the next day. It kept the peace. That is, until a wife decided to take action against my business. Next thing I knew, an STD spread through the town, and I - rather, my girls, were blamed for it. But since I was the owner, I paid the price. A horrible death - gun shot, stabbing, I must have been assaulted by a bunch of men because I had many different things happening to me. I knew it was the sheriff's wife who orchestrated this, and I knew the sheriff and the mine owner knew what was happening to me, but did nothing to help me. I died alone. I remember feeling angry that everyone had loved me and then turned on me.
So, that is a pretty big discovery, and if it is true, it would explain the hesitation I feel about starting my own company. However, the doctor that I did that regression with did nothing with the discovery. He said, wow, that was a pretty powerful discovery. Here's your recording of it. Let's do this again. I felt kind of hung out to dry - I didn't know what to do with this information. So I saw the whole past life regression thing as just a party trick. I didn't go back to him again. But I felt there were answers in there, and I just didn't know how to find them on my own. I needed to find someone who could help me pull up the past lives, and shape their relevance to blocks in this life. Enter Dr. W.
I feel a disclaimer is due here.
Here is my disclaimer: I believe in this stuff. And because I do, I believe that what I unearth will help me move forward with this life. If there are people out there who don't believe in past lives, who think maybe we just make stuff up, I can see their point. Quite honestly, part of me does feel like it's just a very creative imagination coming up with really great plot lines for a movie or something. However, if it is made up ... who cares? If my imagination creates a story to demonstrate to me a possible reason for not moving forward on a goal, and if that story helps me see something I can learn from it so I can move forward, so be it. Either way, the goal is forward motion.
I also believe that we are still evolving as humans, so I believe the trend in positive psychology and past life regressions is occuring now because we are at a point in our evolution to understand them. Just like we thought racism was OK one hundred years ago but now do not, so too do we change as people - certain behaviors or mind sets were OK simply because we didn't know any better. Now we do, and we can go back and fix them.
Allright, back to Dr. W. and my soon-to-happen next past life regression. She puts me under, and has me tell her what I see. I ended up having three lives present themselves to me, the first of which I was living maybe not prehistoric times, but definitely B.C. The village I lived in was destroyed by a sudden volcanic eruption, and I died in the lava flow. We spent the most time on that one, and then it seemed another life presented itself, this one was in eyptian times, and then another one was in victorian times. We didn't have time to go into these in much depth, we spent most of the time on the first life and summing that life's meaning up and why that's relevant to this life.
I felt we did some good work and want to do it again. I felt a lot of compassion for myself - again, if that life was true, in conjunction with the brothel owner, I have, quite honestly, been a shit. In that B.C. life, I was about 19 or 20, had a kid very young, and resented it. I felt nothing was in my charge, and that everything revolved around the village. So far, it seems I've been a brat, a fun brat, but a brat, in most of my lives. Honestly - at some point I hope we reveal I was a holy person or something, because I feel like so far, my evolution has been nothing but pettiness and whining. Hm... not unlike this life.
Anyway, I haven't scheduled another one yet, due to my money being a mess and these being $200 a pop. But, she offers another service in which we look at the life I just left, what I did in that life and how I died. I have a feeling that that last life was in Chicago, and that I was a girl, and involved with probably not Dillinger, but a gang of thieves like that. I've had dreams that involve gangsters and me being a not-so-smooth criminal. So, I'm interested to see how and where I last lived.
The last note on this: She advises to not schedule anything after the regression, to rest and to drink plenty of water. I thought that seemed rather excessive; however, I did schedule it for my day off. I came home, I took a nap. But I had planned on seeing Avatar that night with Mike. We went to the movie, and I spent half the movie sick in the bathroom. Actually, at first I went to the restroom, and then found the janitor's closet with a mop drain in the back of the theater, and so I would run back there, puke, and then sit back down on an end seat and resume watching the movie. Maybe it was too much visually - a 3-D movie on an IMAX screen - for me too take in one day. Maybe it was because the movie had a primitive theme to it's story line, and it was triggering stuff from my past life regression. Either way, I was surprised at the physcial reaction and how at first I felt refreshed, and then I felt totally zapped. I called in sick yesterday. Now I know I need to take both days off, but man, really surprising.
That's it for today. Talk with you soon.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
Goal Setting Might Be A Good Thing?
So here we are, New Year's Day - the day of resolutions that never go anywhere.
This morning I get up, I'm milling around getting ready, and I'm thinking about my own New Years resolutions. How I'd like to lose 10 pounds a month, how I think I want my health goals to be to 1. Add in Exercise to my daily routine; 2. Drink my daily Water Requirements; and 3. Allow my Body to sort out from there how much or how little food/calories it needs to operate the most efficiently.
I got thinking about how when I had started this blog, my goal was to do three back-to-back fasts: a 14 day, which is now completed; a 21-28 day, which would be next, and a 40 day, which I would like to do over the Easter season. Am I ditching that goal? Did I just drop one and run to another? What's the point of all this?
This got me thinking about before I started the blog, when I had intentionally gained 35 pounds to break my thinking on what defines a likable person, and the effect that that person's weight has on that person's likability. All I did was set the goal to gain the weight. I kicked around some ideas on how to lose it after the goal was attained. But the one part of the goal was clear: to gain it.
Now, as I ponder the new year, it seems clear to me that combining the desire to fast with the weight loss goals is my next steps. Generally, my next steps would be to sabotage myself. Oh, yes. Once I set a goal with myself, or tell someone else a goal I've set for myself, I seem to go out my way to make myself fail. It's as if I think someone else might try to sabotage me - so if I do it, I keep them from doing it to me. Ha HA! Brilliant!
I'm thinking about all of these things as I am up this morning. I'm also humming a tune from last night. And all of a sudden, the whole goal of setting goals became crystal clear to me.
I saw the Poseidon Adventure at a movie theater here in Chicago last night as a fun and non-alcoholic (I think I'm a borderline alcoholic) based way to ring in the New Year. Mick went with me.
We're watching the movie, and as we're watching, there are some very powerful and symbolic elements that are resonating with me; I won't bore you with all of them, but they summed up as being: you can't get everyone to see it your way, even if you turn out to be right; there comes a point in time where you have to let them go and let them lead their own lives, come what may; and you have to have faith that the steps you are being led to are leading you to safety.
I liked the movie a lot, and I think if they say you spend your New Year the way you spend your New Year's Eve, then I will be learning how to implement these elements into my own life in the year ahead.
In the past, I have always run screaming from goal setting. What if I don't accomplish it, what if I do, what if the goal changes and I know that, but other people think, "Well, she just can't make up her mind!" This morning, it all came together for me: action creates action. Change creates change. Goals create other goals.
This used to be completely overwhelming to me. If I set one goal and attain it, and then all there is is another goal sitting there waiting for me, then ... FUCK! When's it ever gonna end?
I suppose the answer is ... it won't. One thing will lead to another and another and another. And maybe that's the most fun way to live, to just allow things to unfold. I look back on the things that have been presented to me to accomplish; there've been some pretty fun things that have come my way. Things that I have enjoyed doing, but then ran away from. So what if this year is about learning to allow myself to roll with the opportunities that present themselves, and trust that it will lead somewhere?
The biggest thing that I took away from watching the movie last night was the arc of Gene Hackman's character. He plays a modern-day preacher, one who teaches people to Take Action! Make Things Happen! Find the God Within Yourself and YOU Make Your OWN Life Better! His character has a crisis of faith at the end, and it seemed to me then, as it's been becoming clear over the last couple years for me, that faith is kind of a both-and proposition. It's strange water to navigate - they say to surrender to God's will, and at the same time, take action. I've never understood this. How do I surrender and take action at the same time? Doesn't God help those who help themselves? How can surrendering, which to me is doing nothing, lead anywhere? Last night, the way the movie played out, it became clear to me that taking the each step as it comes is the faith in God. Trusting that it is leading somewhere is the faith. Trusting that God has a good outcome in mind for me is the surrender. I lack in this trusting/faithing/surrending department greatly. I don't know that God has a good outcome planned for me. What if I have faith and it turns out that God is this sadistic fuck who led me on some wild goose chase and is up theresxdc laughing while doing shots of Wild Turkey with Elvis? Trusting that God might have a good outcome in mind for me is probably the biggest leap of faith I've ever known.
So, with my new view on goals in mind, here are the goals I a setting for 2010:
- Lose the weight. All of it. This year. Done.
- Fast 40 days over Easter. This has intriqued me for years and I really want to see if I can do it.
- Get a financial plan in order to both pay down debt and create savings for a house and travel.
- Get a new job? This is one I feel strongly that I don't control. How about I begin searching for jobs and see what comes up.
- Create a stronger social network. I feel so lonely, that I don't have people who want to go out and do the same things I do. I just gotta believe there are others who feel that same way and want to do the same stuff.
- Control my own preachy and self-righteous ways. Learn how to have compassion be my knee-jerk reaction, instead of, "That's totally crazy. Here; this is what you SHOULD think." It aggravates me, too.
- Allow.
That's it for my New Year's Day entry. Hope you have a safe, fun, and HAPPY 2010! Until next time!
-
This morning I get up, I'm milling around getting ready, and I'm thinking about my own New Years resolutions. How I'd like to lose 10 pounds a month, how I think I want my health goals to be to 1. Add in Exercise to my daily routine; 2. Drink my daily Water Requirements; and 3. Allow my Body to sort out from there how much or how little food/calories it needs to operate the most efficiently.
I got thinking about how when I had started this blog, my goal was to do three back-to-back fasts: a 14 day, which is now completed; a 21-28 day, which would be next, and a 40 day, which I would like to do over the Easter season. Am I ditching that goal? Did I just drop one and run to another? What's the point of all this?
This got me thinking about before I started the blog, when I had intentionally gained 35 pounds to break my thinking on what defines a likable person, and the effect that that person's weight has on that person's likability. All I did was set the goal to gain the weight. I kicked around some ideas on how to lose it after the goal was attained. But the one part of the goal was clear: to gain it.
Now, as I ponder the new year, it seems clear to me that combining the desire to fast with the weight loss goals is my next steps. Generally, my next steps would be to sabotage myself. Oh, yes. Once I set a goal with myself, or tell someone else a goal I've set for myself, I seem to go out my way to make myself fail. It's as if I think someone else might try to sabotage me - so if I do it, I keep them from doing it to me. Ha HA! Brilliant!
I'm thinking about all of these things as I am up this morning. I'm also humming a tune from last night. And all of a sudden, the whole goal of setting goals became crystal clear to me.
I saw the Poseidon Adventure at a movie theater here in Chicago last night as a fun and non-alcoholic (I think I'm a borderline alcoholic) based way to ring in the New Year. Mick went with me.
We're watching the movie, and as we're watching, there are some very powerful and symbolic elements that are resonating with me; I won't bore you with all of them, but they summed up as being: you can't get everyone to see it your way, even if you turn out to be right; there comes a point in time where you have to let them go and let them lead their own lives, come what may; and you have to have faith that the steps you are being led to are leading you to safety.
I liked the movie a lot, and I think if they say you spend your New Year the way you spend your New Year's Eve, then I will be learning how to implement these elements into my own life in the year ahead.
In the past, I have always run screaming from goal setting. What if I don't accomplish it, what if I do, what if the goal changes and I know that, but other people think, "Well, she just can't make up her mind!" This morning, it all came together for me: action creates action. Change creates change. Goals create other goals.
This used to be completely overwhelming to me. If I set one goal and attain it, and then all there is is another goal sitting there waiting for me, then ... FUCK! When's it ever gonna end?
I suppose the answer is ... it won't. One thing will lead to another and another and another. And maybe that's the most fun way to live, to just allow things to unfold. I look back on the things that have been presented to me to accomplish; there've been some pretty fun things that have come my way. Things that I have enjoyed doing, but then ran away from. So what if this year is about learning to allow myself to roll with the opportunities that present themselves, and trust that it will lead somewhere?
The biggest thing that I took away from watching the movie last night was the arc of Gene Hackman's character. He plays a modern-day preacher, one who teaches people to Take Action! Make Things Happen! Find the God Within Yourself and YOU Make Your OWN Life Better! His character has a crisis of faith at the end, and it seemed to me then, as it's been becoming clear over the last couple years for me, that faith is kind of a both-and proposition. It's strange water to navigate - they say to surrender to God's will, and at the same time, take action. I've never understood this. How do I surrender and take action at the same time? Doesn't God help those who help themselves? How can surrendering, which to me is doing nothing, lead anywhere? Last night, the way the movie played out, it became clear to me that taking the each step as it comes is the faith in God. Trusting that it is leading somewhere is the faith. Trusting that God has a good outcome in mind for me is the surrender. I lack in this trusting/faithing/surrending department greatly. I don't know that God has a good outcome planned for me. What if I have faith and it turns out that God is this sadistic fuck who led me on some wild goose chase and is up theresxdc laughing while doing shots of Wild Turkey with Elvis? Trusting that God might have a good outcome in mind for me is probably the biggest leap of faith I've ever known.
So, with my new view on goals in mind, here are the goals I a setting for 2010:
- Lose the weight. All of it. This year. Done.
- Fast 40 days over Easter. This has intriqued me for years and I really want to see if I can do it.
- Get a financial plan in order to both pay down debt and create savings for a house and travel.
- Get a new job? This is one I feel strongly that I don't control. How about I begin searching for jobs and see what comes up.
- Create a stronger social network. I feel so lonely, that I don't have people who want to go out and do the same things I do. I just gotta believe there are others who feel that same way and want to do the same stuff.
- Control my own preachy and self-righteous ways. Learn how to have compassion be my knee-jerk reaction, instead of, "That's totally crazy. Here; this is what you SHOULD think." It aggravates me, too.
- Allow.
That's it for my New Year's Day entry. Hope you have a safe, fun, and HAPPY 2010! Until next time!
-
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